Friday, October 10, 2014

Letting go

This post has taken me a long time to write.  I'm dealing with some physical limitations right now, and it's causing me to feel rather low.  Even in the writing, deleting, adding, editing I've learned and healed.  And that's good.

See, I'm realizing that a lot of my self confidence stems from my to-do list, or rather, I measure my value and worth far too often by my level of productivity.  

So what happens when you're laid flat, unable to help, serve, lead, DO, in the normal way?  What then?

I'm one who isn't happy till the messes are cleaned up.  I'm the not-fun mom who makes you clean before play.  Who can't think straight in any conversation when there is a ton of clutter or stuff that should have been taken care of but hasn't yet. 

Lest ye think I live in a uber clean home, think again.  

I most certainly do not.  But I'm bothered by stupid little things all the time.

I spent a few days of this ordeal in utter denial about what I was up against.  Then two days having a breakdown (tantrum) because of all I couldn't do.  Because of how inconvenient it was right now to have a health setback.  Because of all the blessings I wasn't getting. 

I am a brat.  I have no right to be so short-sighted, so ungrateful.  I have been surrounded with love and support.  I still have thousands of other blessings.  I must learn to regroup, to focus on the essential instead of overwhelming myself with all the rest that I used to consider 'normal'.  

As I cried in the doctor's office and told him I was a busy mom who didn't have time for this, he gave me the oxygen analogy and reminded me how I need to take care of me - so I have something to offer my family.  Heavenly Father is surely weary of me already.  But I try to ask for understanding.  

Who am I without a to-do list and a full planner?  Who is the woman that remains when those trivial pieces of mortality are removed?

I know that:

I can still love my children even if I'm lying on the couch and their dad is the one waking them all up and getting ready for the day.

I can still care for them even if my friend is the one taking my daughter to school.

I can still want them to eat well even if the RS pres is the one bringing us dinner.

I can still have a testimony even if I have to play the voice recording to listen to my scripture study instead of reading the book since my head is buried face down in a pillow.

I can still ask my kids about their day and offer help and advice if I'm in bed or otherwise in a submissive posture.

My heart still is with RS even if I can't focus long enough to pick up the phone and call the sisters I'm supposed to be caring for.

...and so on.

I could go on and on about my realizations this week.  I hate that I'm hurting and not myself.  I know I can get better.  I know that it will most likely take more patience than I have right now, but I'm trying.  I don't want to be so prideful.  I just want to feel normal, and until I do I'll be humble and teachable.  

Because of my Savior I don't have to be perfect but I can learn in every circumstance.  I'll keep going.  We'll always do the essential stuff and if that's all that gets done, it's ok and I have to be okay with it.
My husband might have a heavier load for a small while but we can do this.


  1. Oh Jen, I am so sorry that you have had a very hard time recently. It just shows the Lord knows what is best for us even if it hurts a little or A LOT. He helps us find him. I wish I could just come and help or bring you something. DO know that I love you and hope for the best through these trials. We will pray for you to heal quickly. I know you didn't give any details because you probably don't want to but if you do feel comfortable and are willing to share e-mail me and tell me what happened?

  2. You and I are similar in so many ways...I love my "to do lists". I have all of those same feelings you just shared. I love all of the quotes you shared. I hope you realize what an inspirtaion you are to me and to so many others. I fully understand the feelings of stress it causes when life decides not to go according to my plan :) Love you!!!!


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!